A Stellar Review - Part Three

By Heike Ghandi

Tinfoil-Tim: This is the third and final instalment from A Stellar Review. Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind review - Personal thoughts and feelings

5/5 plasmas

Whilst homo-sapien centred films are deservingly frowned upon, the Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind is not that bad. Please understand that this reviewer has no human affiliation or affections and all of the views expressed here are my own.

This film excels in its relatability. As I watched, I could only think that the writer was a part of the Y2K abduction group due to their accurate depiction of the memory wipe procedure. It was all too familiar to the Ministry of Malthought; where they send the finished experiments and any entity that wishes to cure their problems. 

Yet, what struck me as strange was the enduring nature of their “love” in spite of the effective treatment. At first I thought there must have been a malfunction but, after doing research I learnt about the “indomitable human spirit.” Strangely, homo-sapiens believe in the power of themselves rather than the universe itself, therefore lending themselves “superhuman” capabilities - explaining the writer's memory retention.

Most importantly, it made me reflect on what I am doing here as AStellarReviewer. Clementine and Joel returned to one another because of an ingrained connection due to the experiences they had together. I have none. I sit here all orbit, every orbit, absorbing content of other entities experiencing their lives and not living mine. Even when I went to Saliplur, I spent my entire stay watching films. This is no personal fault of mine, born to an underclass race with both the privilege and difficulty of consuming all of the universe's content to review it, in the hopes of preventing the more-intelligent life from wasting their limited time on ineffectual media. Films like this.

Recently, this knowledge of my life's purpose has become too much. So, I have booked an appointment at the MofM to erase this film along with some of my favourites so that I can experience them for the first time. This may be goodbye to AStellarReviewer as you know me, but this is not the end.

Men In Black review - Collaborative triumph of the cosmos 

5/5 Plasmas

In spite of its insignificant setting, Men In Black is an orbital classic, displaying the best talent in the Milky way. Glamming Gorp graces our screens with another impeccable performance as Agent K; the jupiterian tests the limits of modern prosthetics as they place his gaseous form in a humanoid suit. Starring opposite is an up-and-coming homo-sapien talent, Will Smith. Whilst there were doubts about a human casting in the movie, Smith took the role in his stride. Going as far as making the hit ‘Men In Black’ that reached number one on the Hologram Hot 100. 

Though, none of this would be possible without the work of SAG (Stellar Actors Guild) who sourced and managed relations between actors. The recent strike revealed the underpayment of Orbital actors as well as the undisclosed use of AI in film. Despite a settlement being reached, Men In Black distinctively displays their anti AI sentiment through the use of practical effects and use of non-computer-generated talent.

As a result, the film provides the most diversity seen in ten orbits. Whilst there truly is someone from everywhere (a Meuf I shared a transport with is in 35:01), this has not been good for everyone. The worms, most notably Neeble and Gleeble, are represented as disloyal and disagreeable characters - angering worms everywhere. Whilst talks to de-escalate tensions are ongoing, this has surely tarnished the reputation of the species.

On the whole, this cube-office hit is deserving of its praise and we cannot wait to see what Smith does next. He has potential to become the next Gorp, raising the ratings of his disgraced homeland. 

Tinfoil-Tim: While I've enjoyed reading A Stellar Reviewer's work, I couldn’t help but notice something strange. For example, the Men in Black review recurs on XXX/XXX/X, X/XXX/XXXX, XXXXX/XXX/X and many times before this. Their whole blog is just repetitions of the same five movies. 

I wonder what the purpose is for someone like that, maybe they’re a bot for the cinema review industry? Wouldn’t doubt it; giving 2001: A Space Odyssey 0/5 plasmas is just some young film nerd with money to burn and a vendetta against Kubrick.

Strange to think of though. What if bots are real living things too? Don’t think too hard on it though, or else they’ll have us paying taxes for the crypto-mining bots’ pensions.